The first thought in your head is about how much this |hungerpains>[//hurts//].
It |hungerpains>[//gnaws//] at you.
You want |hungerpains>[//nothing more than to cry and collapse//], because this |hungerpains>[//is so very wrong//] and |hungerpains>[//it sinks deeper and deeper into you//] and you |hungerpains>[//hate//] how much it |hungerpains>[//hurts//].
You should be okay. |hungerpains>[//You should be okay//-]
This should be |hungerpains>[//okay//]. This should be |hungerpains>[//familiar//], because-
|hungerlink>[ [[You're familiar with being hungry.]]]A day or two of skipped meals when |hungerpains>[//cash was a bit short,//](text-color:black)+(click:"cash was a bit short")[(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[// and it so often was, wasn't it?// You were never //good// at keeping it together after the feeling of being deprived of anything began to sink in,]] when making sure you had somewhere to sleep was more important, when you couldn't find something worthwhile to pawn off or a job someone would pay for.
You are //very// familiar with the pangs of hunger you feel. The way your body feels like it might |hungerpains>[//crumple//] at the slightest touch, the way thinking is so much |hungerpains>[//harder//], like you're |hungerpains>[//forced//] to move in slow motion while the world |hungerpains>[//speeds//] around you, and you |hungerpains>[//cannot focus//] on anything else.
This hunger is |hungerpains>[//wrong//], though. |hungerpains>[//Alien, foreign.//]
You //hope// it's something alien, at least.
That it isn't |hungerpains>[//you//].
|hungerpains>[//You want to believe that it's something wrong.//]
Because you //know// what stirred inside you in that meeting room, you know what you smelt, and you know so very well that it was //wrong// when that spike of |hungerpains>[//desire//] welled up in your stomach.
Your head has been so (text-style:"blur")+(text-color:red+black)[//foggy//].
|hungerpains>[The urge to claw and bite and eat //grows and grows// and you can barely ignore it.]
You can't indulge yourself, not //now//.
You remember that it got harder to stand. To persist. |hungerpains>[To keep shoving it all down].
You //almost// told |hungerpains>[James] what you saw under your skin, when you couldn't stand any longer. You //almost// told him how |regret>[//scared//] it made you in that moment.
You didn't, though. You kept it together.
You didn't take the |hungerpains>[//risk//] that he would leave you.(click:"risk")[ That they would decide something was //too// wrong with you, that they would push you to the side. (text-color:black+red)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[//That you'll be left alone.//]]
|hungerlink>[ [[You remember that you leaned by the penthouse door.<-You remember when the hunger was //so// loud that you could not //bear// to keep standing, all you could do was lean against the wall.]]]You were //so// tired. But you couldn't stop //looking// at the room.
It was //so// |yearning>[bright].
Glimmering. |yearning>[Golden.][(click: "Golden.", (text-style:"fidget"))[(text-color:black)[ Even the sword through that man's chest (text-color:red+yellow)+(hover-style:(text-color:#fab005))[//sparkled//.]]]]
It feels |hungerpains>[//dirty//] |hungerpains>[(click: "dirty")[(t8n: "fade")+(text-style:"blur")[ -you really are awful, you know- ]]]to admit how jealous you were. That spike of envy and greed at the gilded room.
You think you understand why she did all of that.
The bitterness that is always so very close to boiling up.
|hungerpains>[Hunger denied over and over and over and all it can do is grow into something uncontainable.]
Yeah. You don't think you'd do it, though. |hungerpains>[//Not like what she did.//]
|hungerpains>[(click: "Not like what she did.")[(t8n: "shudder")+(text-style:"blur")[Wouldn't you? Would you //not// lash out like her? Would you not //adore// being something people //can't// ignore?]]]
|hungerlink>[ [[You would never be brave enough.]] ]You would |hungerpains>[//never//] really reach the boiling point needed to kill everyone who had denied you what was yours. You were always |hungerpains>[//simmering//] at a temperature too low.
You would never boil. The heat would never be intense enough, because you could never manage it.
|hungerpains>[//You could never reach out to take what should have been yours. You were always too easily frightened.//] |hungerpains>[//You were always a scavenger picking at scraps. Never the one to bring anything down.//]
|hungerlink>[ [[The best you could ever do is a single spike of fear.]]]And that-
Did it ruin |hungerpains>[//everything//]? Did it ruin |hungerpains>[//anything//]? You really can't tell.
You remember how it happened, of course.
|hungerpains>[//How could you forget how it felt for your cup to finally overflow, finally hot enough to bubble over?//] |hungerpains>[//How could you forget the fear and terrible thrill that came with being trapped and doing the trapping all at once?//]
''//|hungerlink>[ [[You always hated feeling trapped.]]]//''
You always |hungerpains>[//hated//] it. It was stupid to be so afraid of something so //silly//.
You would scream and weep and hide in any spot you could, because a door you could not open was suffocating and a threat and you //had// to stay safe somehow, whether that meant scrambling out of a window too high up or weeping and pressing yourself so far into a corner that your shoulders would be sore from how squished you were for days after you calmed down.
It would only be a matter of time before someone figured out you got stuck somewhere and came to rescue you, though. You always knew that.
And somehow, that realization always felt worse than just being left to |hungerpains>[//rot//].
|regret>[//The understanding that you could simply be forgotten until someone turned their attention back to you.//]
|hungerlink>[ [[Found<-It stings so much more than it should.]]]
You know you could have done something when you felt that |hungerpains>[//rush//].
You know you could have done something when you felt things shift, when things stopped making sense.
You know you could have done something when you made them just as trapped as you felt, could have done |hungerpains>[//something//] beyond panicking.
You know they were as |hungerpains>[//trapped//] with you as you were with them.
|hungerpains>[But, you were always a coward.]
You sat and cried and wept and trapped yourself all on your own, because you could |hungerpains>[//never//] manage to do more. Because at the core of everything, that's all you'll ever do when it |hungerpains>[//really//] matters.
Can you remember if you even stopped crying when someone finally pulled you out past the door that was not a door- (text-rotate-x:4)+(text-rotate-y:6)+(text-rotate-z:20)+(text-style:"blur")+(text-style:"buoy")+(opacity:0.5)[|hungerpains>[that was not a door that could not could never be can never couldn't be a door? Why was it wrong, why did it hurt to see, what did you do? Always, always, always, you always fuck it all up and you regret it and you do it all again, don't you? You could be better, you could, but you never will, you'll never be better because you won't even try. You know better you could be better but you're never going to change because you are a feral creature who can never be shaped into a human being because you are something that does not fit because you do not fit within your skin no matter how much you scream and thrash and weep and you never will because you will never grasp what you need to, you will never be something stable, ''//you will never be something safe to love- you can never be something safe to love, you will never be safe to love because you are unlovable because you are awful because you are hungry because you are not safe because you will never be safe to love and you will die alone-//'']]
You-
You know it wasn't a door. You |hungerpains>[//know//] it wasn't a door, in the same way you know the sun is not the earth beneath your feet and the air in your lungs is not sugar poured down your throat.
But it-
But it //was// a door. Before you (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[//ruined//] it.(click:"ruined", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[ Before you stained it with your touch, shifted it from what it was and what it was meant to be into something utterly unrecognizable. Before you (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[//took//] everything important from it, in your panic.](click:"took", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[
(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[You //take// everything that isn't yours and weep for the pain it causes, like it wasn't //your fault// in the first place.]]
|hungerpains>[//You ruin everything, don't you?//]
Everything you touch is |hungerpains>[ //tainted//], doomed to ruin.
|hungerlink>[ [[You won't stop touching things, though.]]]
You know how selfish you really are. You would never stop hurting everyone around you. It's in your nature to be a |hungerpains>[//monster//].But, being seen |hungerpains>[//hurts//] so very much.
It's foreign. Alienating, in the worst way you can think of. You can't help but |hungerpains>[//wish//] people would look at you more, for some awful reason, though.
But, you know, if they see you, they'll //know//, they'll know you just can't manage to be a //real// person, that you're just a flailing, thrashing animal |hungerpains>[//desperate//] for any bit of affection they would ever throw your way. They'll know you aren't something |hungerpains>[//safe//] to be around, aren't something that could //ever really// be a person, that all you are is a |hungerpains>[//thing//] trying to |hungerpains>[//survive//] at all costs, clawing and lashing out at anything that comes too close, begging them to approach while you scream for them to leave you alone.
They'll see you for what you really are and they will |hungerpains>[//hate//] you, and if they hate you, you will lose |hungerpains>[//everything//] you could ever hold close. You will be left //alone//, helpless and weeping and |hungerpains>[//starving//].
Being watched is being |hungerpains>[//trapped//] because you //must// contort yourself in all the right ways and you |hungerpains>[//don't know which ways are right//] and you can //never// know because you //aren't// a person like them, and you |hungerpains>[//never will be//].
Being trapped is |hungerpains>[//pain//] and |hungerpains>[//hunger//] and |hungerpains>[//fear//], and you know this for a //fact//, and you just can't bear how |hungerpains>[//suffocating//] it feels to be seen, and you cannot bear to be |hungerpains>[//ignored//], and you cannot bear to be pushed away because you //can't// fake being a real person, and everything |hungerpains>[//hurts//] because you |hungerpains>[//aren't strong enough to bear anything//].
|hungerpains>[You have always hated pain.]
|hungerpains>[//You can never seem to avoid it.//]
You don't feel bad about faking that you're a person. You don't feel bad about what you are and what you aren't. You don't feel bad about how horrible you are at pretending to be a |hungerpains>[//real//] person. You don't feel bad you're faking it in the first place.
(opacity:0.15)[~~//You ''really'' try not to feel bad about it.//~~]
Should you feel bad about it?
You're just |regret>[//living//].
That's all it's ever been, yeah? Living. |regret>[//Surviving//]. Because you don't //want// to die.
|hungerpains>[You're something that //needs// to writhe and thrash and scream and lash out, underneath it all.]
|hungerlink>[ [[You still hate it, so very much.<-You're something that never really will.]] ]//You would never.//
Because even if you aren't a |hungerpains>[//person//], aren't a |hungerpains>[//human//], you're still something |hungerpains>[//writhing//] and |hungerpains>[//hungry//] and |hungerpains>[//starved//] and you |hungerpains>[//need//] to grasp something before you |hungerpains>[//drown//] in it.
It //always// makes you think of //drowning//. It makes you think of how it's safer to rescue someone who can't struggle and pull you down when you try to help.
It makes you realize that |hungerpains>[//you're the threat//] as much as you are the one //drowning//. Because that's what it is, |hungerpains>[//isn't it//]?
You will //thrash// and //scream// and //weep// as you pull everyone down alongside |hungerpains>[//you//.]
//Do you even feel guilty?//
You know you should.
|hungerlink>[ [[You don't.]]]You don't feel guilty when someone tries to save you as you try desperately to keep your belongings in the face of an attack.
You don't feel guilty when another ally is |hungerpains>[//forced//] to fling you away from the toad you've all slain.
You don't feel guilty tearing into it with a feral |hungerpains>[//hunger//], because it is |hungerpains>[//dead//] and |hungerpains>[//you're alive//], and you |hungerpains>[//won//]. |hungerpains>[//You're alive//], and |hungerpains>[//you refuse to die//], and that is |hungerpains>[//all//] the justification you need in that very moment.
It's such a rush. The feeling of being (text-color:yellow+red)[(hover-style:(text-color:#fab005))[//sated//]], for even a moment, after this hunt. (click:"sated")[You cannot help but (text-color:red+yellow)+(hover-style:(text-color:#fab005))[//adore//] it.]
(opacity:0.75)[Guilt pricks at the back of your mind, because |hungerpains>[//you//] endangered one of your allies, and you //know// it. That this wouldn't have been as bad for you if you just |hungerpains>[//thought//] for one fucking second.]
You aren't stupid.
|hungerlink>[ [[You aren't meant to be stupid.]]]
|hungerpains>[(text-style:"blur")[But with the dull, fogginess hunger, starvation brings, your thoughts just can't stay seperated, can't quite keep on track.]]|regret>[//You are, though.//]
The hint of something |yearning>[//shiny//] off in an alley, and you go running to see it.
Like you don't know what a risk it is. Like you don't know |hungerpains>[//how stupid//] that is.
Like you don't know you're hunting a toad, like you don't think being |hungerpains>[//alone//] is a risk, like you |hungerpains>[//don't fucking think at all//]!
You wince when it cuts your hand. |hungerpains>[//Stabs, jabs.//] The feel of a syringe in flesh, needle-like.
You feel-
//okay//. For a little while.
|hungerpains>[ (link-reveal: "//For just a little while.//")[ (text-style:"blur")[
Before the hunger sets in. Before your arms feel weak and you feel so tired and your body gnaws on itself and you feel yourself wasting away-]]]
And it //hurts//. It |hungerpains>[//always//] hurts.
|hungerlink>[ [[You don't know.<-You don't know when it started to hurt so much.]]]You don't know when you realized you were |hungerpains>[hungry].
You can't remember what you'd say counts as |hungerpains>[//hunger//], even.
Does the gnawing urge for |hungerpains>[//recognition//] count? The |hungerpains>[//desire//] for human touch? Does it count when you |hungerpains>[//crave//] nothing more than to keep someone within arm's reach for the rest of their life?
Is it |hungerpains>[//hunger//] when you look upon another and think of |hungerpains>[keeping them by your side forevermore]? Is it |hungerpains>[//hunger//] when |hungerpains>[you would sink your teeth into them simply for the chance to touch them //once// more?]
Is it |hungerpains>[//hunger//] when you would rip yourself to shreds to keep what is |hungerpains>[//yours//] close?
Is it |hungerpains>[//hunger//] when you would |hungerpains>[abandon every moral and ideal you've ever had just to stop feeling how much you //hurt// from this?]
|hungerpains>[//Is it?//]
|hungerlink>[ //[[You're so hungry.]]//]You know it. It is |hungerpains>[//gnawing//] and |hungerpains>[//howling//] and |hungerpains>[//screaming//] and you can only ignore it for so long.
And you've been trying to ignore it for what feels like |hungerpains>[//far too long//].
You |hungerpains>[//know//] what's going to happen. But you can't |hungerpains>[//risk//] it.
|hungerpains>[Can't indulge yourself because you //know// you will lose the only people you have now.]
You |hungerpains>[//know//] that when they see that you |hungerpains>[//aren't safe//], that you aren't something that can |hungerpains>[//ever//] be safe to be around, they will |hungerpains>[//leave//] you, they will push you //away// and off to the side, and you will be |hungerpains>[//alone//] and |hungerpains>[//starving//] and |hungerpains>[//hurt//] once more.
Someone gives you a cup and it is //so// much effort to set it down because once it is out of your reach it simply is not |hungerpains>[//yours//] and you cannot lose more.
For the briefest moment, you think about |hungerpains>[biting] it.
For the briefest moment, |hungerpains>[you almost do].
|hungerlink>[ [[Your control is slipping.]]](text-style:"blur")[You can't keep this up.
You want to, you //need// to.
You //can't//.
Time and memories ]
(text-style:"blurrier")[//blur// in awkward ways and you blur with it all and things-
are so //foggy//.]
It's-
fine.
It's fine for now.
|hungerpains>[(text-style:"blur")[The rush of panic from a threat, the need to protect someone, and it //almost// makes the gnawing bearable.]]
You hide Morris's body like it's second nature to you. And it is, isn't it?
This is your ally. |hungerpains>[//Yours//].
You need to keep them-
|hungerpains>[ (opacity:0.5)+(text-style:"blurrier")[//You need to keep them.//]]
|yearning>[(text-style:"blur")[safe. Hidden, protected. Yeah.]]
(text-style:"blur")[You can defend them. You can keep them.
You aren't alone.
|hungerpains>[You won't be alone.]]
|hungerpains>[(text-style:"blurrier")[//You won't be deprived of what you have.//]
|regret>[// [[You won't lose what little affection and human contact you can scavenge from your people.]]//]]You aren't sure when they started being |yearning>[//your//] people.
You won't admit it to them. |hungerpains>[//You can't.//] (click:"You can't.")[(text-style:"fidget")[They wouldn't understand. (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[ //Nobody would.//]]]
They're |yearning>[//yours//] now. |hungerpains>[//No matter how they feel about it.//]
(opacity:0.35)[But you //can't// keep them, and you //know// that. You //have// to know that.
//And you have to know they'll hate you, if you ever slipped, if you ever let them know how you feel about them.//
//You can't keep people who hate you, can't rely on them, can't trust them to save you from your own idiotic mistakes.//]
|hungerpains>[But, these people //do// like you. Or you-]
|hungerpains>[hope. They like you. You hope they like you.]
They don't know you. They still //like// you, you |hungerpains>[//pray//].
You know they probably |hungerpains>[//don't//].
|hungerlink>[ [[Not after what you've done.]]]//The taste of |hungerpains>[meat] in your mouth rattles you far more than it should.//
Because you aren't //stupid//. You //know// what you were eating, don't you?
|regret>[(text-style:"blur")[You really are disgusting.]]
Would you even //regret// what you did if they weren't there? Would you have felt //disgust// when you regained your composure after Charitab had flung you away from |hungerpains>[//your meal//]?
Would you have felt any |hungerpains>[ //[[regret]]//] eating what |yearning>[//the heart//] had given you if they weren't in danger?
You regret it.
(click-replace:"You regret it.", (text-color:black+red)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[//No. You don't. Not really.//] (click-replace:"No. You don't. Not really.", (text-color:black+red)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[You'd like to lie, and say you do. To say you feel bad that they were trapped with something like you.]
(click:"lie", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[You don't regret it at all.]]
|hungerpains>[(click:"You don't regret it at all.", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[[You wish you did.]]]
Can't you just be a |hungerpains>[//person//]? Can't you just |hungerpains>[//fake//] being something people could |hungerpains>[//love//], that people could |hungerpains>[//tolerate//] a bit longer?
Why can't you just fake it? Why can't you just |hungerpains>[//push everything back down//] and |hungerpains>[//ignore it//]?
You just need to contort yourself into whatever shape you need to be in to |hungerpains>[//avoid pain, to avoid being left alone, to avoid being left hungry and helpless-//]
|hungerlink>[ [[Why can't you just be //happy//?->Why can't you just be happy?]]](change: ?hungerpains, (text-style:"fidget")+(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(color:red)))
(change: ?hungerlink, (text-style:"fidget")+(text-color:red)+(hover-style:(color:red+yellow)))
(change: ?yearning, (text-style:"fidget")+(text-color:red+yellow)+(hover-style:(text-style:"emboss")+(text-color:#fab005)))
(change: ?yearninglink, (link-style:(text-colour:red+yellow))+(hover-style:(text-color:red+yellow))+(hover-style:(text-style:"emboss")+(text-color:red+yellow)+(text-style:"fidget")))
(change: ?regret, (text-style:"fidget")+(text-color:red)+(hover-style:(color:red+black)))
(change: ?regretlink, (text-style:"fidget")+(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(color:red)))You don't know //why// you ever ask that.
//You know the answer.//
(click:"answer", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[You can't //be happy// because being happy is for (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[//people//], and whatever //you// are certainly doesn't count now.
|hungerpains>[//You don't think it ever did.//]
You think you were //always// doomed to be unhappy.
You're not something //other// because (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[someone did something wrong to you], or because (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[you were hurt or left alone or hungry-]
You're a monster //(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[because] you can never be happy//.
//You will never be (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[sated].
You will always want something (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[more].//
You're a monster because you're simply //incapable// of being (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[(link-replace:"happy", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[//satisfied//]]].
(text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[ [[All you will ever do is hurt people.]]]]Every smile on someone else's face makes you so |hungerpains>[//happy//] to see.
Every smile on someone's face makes you want to |hungerpains>[//scream//].
It's not |hungerpains>[//fair//.]
|regret>[ (opacity:0.85)[Why can't you chisel down your teeth until you can smile like them? Crush down the hunger and yearning until you fit into a human-enough mold for them to love you?]]
Why can't you make yourself into something people can |hungerpains>[//love//]?
You try. You try //so// hard. You find the parts of you that are |hungerpains>[//wrong//] and you crack them into the |hungerpains>[//right//] patterns, you take the |hungerpains>[//gnawing urge to hide away what is yours//] and replace it with something of yours freely offered because //surely// they will like you if you just |hungerpains>[//tear yourself apart enough//], because they |hungerpains>[//need//] to like you if you're something |hungerpains>[//nice//] to have.
You //need// to be something they |hungerpains>[//want//] to have around. Otherwise, they'll |hungerpains>[//leave//] you, and you'll be |hungerpains>[//alone//] again, and you //cannot// bear the thought.
You need these people to //like// you.
You //need// them to like you, because these are |hungerpains>[//your//] people.
|hungerpains>[//These are your people//]. To protect, to care for, to keep at your side for as long as they will stay with something like |hungerpains>[//you//].
|hungerlink>[ //[[Are you theirs?]]//]You can't tell.
You don't know. (opacity:0.5)[How could you ever know? You aren't like them at all.](opacity:0.25)+(text-style:"blur")[You aren't a person, not like them. Not at all.]
|hungerpains>[James] throws himself in front of you to block an attack that should have hit you. He didn't need to. You would have been //okay//.
//He did it anyways.//
|hungerpains>[Is that love? Is that kindness?]
|hungerpains>[Is it the basic action he would do for //any// of the group?]
Crux tells you to |hungerpains>[//keep eating//]. (click:"keep eating")[They tell you to keep eating, if it means //you'll stay with them//.
It makes you feel like (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red))[//crying//].
You don't continue.]
You //can't// let them get hurt.
|hungerpains>[Do they say that because they think of you as a person?]
|hungerpains>[Do they say that because they know you aren't one?]
Does it |hungerpains>[//matter//]?
These are |hungerpains>[your] people, after all.
|regret>[You don't think it's a choice for them, now.]
//All you want is to dig your nails into their skin and never let go.//
//It's fine.//
|hungerpains>[(link: "You can protect them.")[//You ''will'' protect them.//]]
(click-replace:"okay.", (text-color:red+black)+(hover-style:(text-color:red)))[okay. You would have stayed on your feet, would have been able to fight a bit longer. You still would have been //useful//.]
The fact someone would only come find you when //they// remembered you existed has always filled you with so much dread.
You know |hungerpains>[//they'll forget about you//], eventually.
|hungerpains>[//You know they'll leave you, and you will suffer all alone until the day you die.//]
That thought has always made you cry, hasn't it? That you feel so |hungerpains>[//helpless//] without others?
You tried to do what you could to fix that feeling. Make it go away.
You got //so// good at getting things open after a while. Nothing could keep you trapped. Each time you did it faster. Each time you were a bit quieter.
You should have been //proud//. You found the solution to how helpless you felt, didn't you?
//A way to escape anything that scared you.//
You found a way to rely on yourself, over anyone else. It //should// have made you feel better.
It didn't help. It //never// did.
|regretlink>[ [[Being seen.<-You want to be seen. You want them to look for you. You don't want to do everything alone. You don't want to //be// alone.]]]